Slacking

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and purity” (1st Timothy 4:12, NIV).

“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1st Corinthians 10:12).

“The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied” (Proverbs 13:4, NIV).

CONFESSION TIME!

This past week, my wonderful sister came to spend her spring break with me. As awesome as it was, it was very stressful and annoying as well; I learned about myself and my selfishness. But this is not what I want to talk about.

Before she came, I told myself that I will not stop my routine, especially my time alone with God (I like to have quality quiet time)– I wanted to show God that He is first, regardless of who is around. I wanted to be a good example to her ( I really took Paul’s charge to Timothy to heart), in hopes that she would be encouraged to do the same, perhaps even join me and whatnot. This was not the reality, however. Honestly,I had my quiet time on Monday… and for the rest of the week, nothing.

I am not sure what I felt, but I felt “bad”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming my sister for anything; I had an expectation of myself that wasn’t fulfilled. Perhaps I didn’t want it to seem as if I wasn’t paying attention to her?  Perhaps I didn’t want to seem/feel stuck up or “holier than thou”? Perhaps there just wasn’t time? I don’t know. And it wasn’t that I didn’t read my Bible, I also didn’t spend time in prayer, meditation or memorizing scripture; it was as if God was non-existent to me.

I felt empty.

The scariest part for me was how quickly and willingly I yielded to my flesh for a lot of things, i.e. yelling and succumbing to anger, not loving or extending grace, entertaining depraved thoughts, viewing and searching for sexually immoral materials, etc. It scared me! And the lesson I learned is that if I don’t feed the Spirit, I feed the flesh— there is no such thing as being stagnant when it comes to our relationship with God because we are either moving forward or falling backwards.

Nevertheless, I thank God for the week, for the lesson and the growth and the sorrow (2nd Corinthians 7:10) that I experienced. I wish I hadn’t yielded to the flesh, though, because for a second I doubted my salvation, I was scared and ashamed to approach my Father, I believed God couldn’t love me anymore. I thank God that I was able to confess my sins, and I thank Him for His forgiveness and cleansing. I am now more aware of feeding the Spirit, of doing my due diligence (truly putting God first), so that I will be able to stand and firmly resist the wiles of the enemy.

Amen!

Waiting: Spoken (Written) Word

I told myself I’ll wait for you…
But innocence was stolen by “Uncle”,
ripped
from my tender heart.
So I gave up.
Stained.

Fast forward:
thought I had found you-
how foolish of me:
wasn’t it supposed to be reversed…
Thought his “love” was going
to cover the multitude of my sins-
but my sin became a burden too
heavy for him to bear.

So I bore myself to myself
and crashed under the weight
of my own burdened lust
that was laid up in my wicked heart-
my heart, too crushed to be revived
by fleeting moans and momentary pleasures.
Until
I saw His love crushed for me
on that wooden tree.
There, battered, was Christ,
broken for me,
under the burden of my sins.
Yet He rose again, victorious,
giving me a new slate,
burden free, without stain.

Fast forward:
I thought I had found you
again…
A baby in Christ, sipping on that milk,
I gave my old self reign,
even though I am new.
Flesh yielded to flesh,
forgetting that only He
can present me unstained
unto Himself,
but he chose to lie in sin with me,
presenting me unto himself,
unholy,
again
stained…

So I stained my heart
with hate and regret
and the shame became too
much for me
and I longed for grace
that will bring me back to Him
so I tried and I worked and I slaved
but could never really
get it right,
so I fled…
Until
Mercy found me,
crashed into me,
I was ruined,
blinded.
He showed me my end, without you,
without Him.
He removed the scales
from my eyes so I could see
the wrong in what
I thought was right!

So here I am.
With this new light in my eyes,
the clean heart inside of me
I am telling you, husband,
even though I do not know you,
I will wait for you.
I will wait to be found by you.
You are the one God made me
for and from— the man made from
the second Adam,
presented holy, to present me holy to Him.
You have the perfect combination
given only by Him who kept me, hidden,
from me, for you,
to unlock the deepest crevices of my heart.
You know what it means to
love me with the love of Christ,
you know what it is to love me
the way Christ loves his church—
I am the Ephesians 5:25—
to present me to my Father,
without stain or blemish,
only by His grace.

So, I will wait
to be found by you
and I won’t give myself
to every cubic zirconia— false gods
pretending to reflect the true image of the One
who paid the price for me,
His bride.

So, I will wait
for you
to find me—He found me—
And pursue me with the
relentless love,
reckless abandon,
reverent fear of the Lord—
the way only you—He—can.
But understand this:
you are not my Father,
so if God chooses,
in His sovereignty,
to have me love and serve Him
alone
I will wait on Him—
Yet I am never alone,
for He will never leave me, but you can;
for He will never abandon me, but you can.

And at least, death wouldn’t do us part.

Changed

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” (1st Corinthians 6:19, NIV).

Testimony time! Yay!!! I love testimonies. Please allow me to share a quick one with you. God is good!

I’m just so grateful for what God has been doing in my life! Honestly, God is good and great and wonderful; His love and care for me still amazes me. When I think about the goodness of God, how far He has brought me, how much He has changed me, all I can say is THANK YOU, JESUS!

In the passage quoted above, Paul warns the Corinthians that their bodies belonged to God. Think about that: your body belongs to God– even when you get married, your body still belongs to God. What that means is that you just can’t do whatever you want with or to your body. God is holy, you belong to Him, therefore, you must be holy. What am I rambling about? I want to thank God for allowing me to realize that my body is His temple. I want to thank God for changing my life, cleaning my body, and inhabiting His temple!

This testimony is only a small part of a bigger testimony, but I want to thank God for saving me from sexual immorality– all forms of it. Before I gave my life to Christ I used my body for whatever I wanted to– because it felt good, because it made me feel like a woman, because I didn’t want to feel pain, because it made me feel desired, because I longed to be loved, because I was thirsty for something deeper, which I didn’t even realize… But my story has changed! Yesterday, I was alone in my house, watching a movie. At the end of the day the thought came to my mind that if it were last year, I would’ve been doing something else with my body; I would’ve taken advantage of the rare opportunity of being by myself– I was messed up, friends! But praise God for my victory!

No longer do I succumb to the temptation. I am reminded of the fact that I have overcome the devil and his temptations by the blood of Jesus Christ and by the word of this testimony I am able to give today (Revelation 12:11)! Praise God with me!

My friends, be encouraged! No matter what you are struggling with, please know that Jesus wants to make you whole, body, soul and spirit; so come to Him. Trust in His word, believe in His name, and watch how your life will be changed. If He can turn a filthy woman like me into His servant– one who is writing openly about her struggles, unashamed, to give glory to His name– then He can certainly change your life! And the whole world will see it and praise His name, the name above all!