Longing for THAT kind of LOVE

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave… Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7, NIV).

If you know anything about me, you know I am a hopeful romantic… because I have hope in Jesus (get it?!) *cue awkward pity chuckle*

Anywhoo… February is the month of love! I celebrate love every February by doing something I don’t normally do. This year, I anchored myself in reading Song of Solomon, a book about love, body image, romance, sex, sensuality… yes, it’s in the Bible. And you say the Bible is boring! I chose this because it celebrates all the types of love (phileo, storge, eros, and agape) in the context of courtship and marriage.

I want to share how reading this book this month has affected me. As a single woman, Song of Solomon ignited in me a strong desire to experience love the way the lovers did– three times it is said “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4), so I guess now I’m chilling until I can handle love haha! The book is set up, in my mind, like a play following the different stages between the lovers, from meeting, to courtship, to wedding, to first sexual encounter, and the mature married life. And each stage just left me amazed! The attention that each was giving the other, the appreciation, the sacrifice, and the love really got me.

Two parts really stood out to me, chapters 4 and 5. In the beginning of chapter 4, we meet the lovers on their wedding night! What is so beautiful is that the man, presumably Solomon, went after his wife’s heart first, not her body. In so many words, he let her know that he appreciated her, was willing to provide for her, and he professed the effects she had on him! His words drew her in. And they weren’t shallow words just to get it in. Her response? She surrendered willingly to him– so, guys, take note. And we can imagine their first night together as husband and wife was awesome. There’s this awesome part between chapters 4 &5 where the woman started off saying her sexuality is hers and in the end he says that it’s his, showing belonging! Later on in chapter 5, after the couple had their first fight, the woman was thinking about her him, and something lit up in her to recognize her wrong, but to also appreciate her man! She sought reconciliation and it was given, and not begrudgingly.

All this is great and all, but beyond this desire to experience life, love, and everything in between with my own husband, I have a desire to know Jesus more! I want to pour my affections on Him! Throughout the course of the book, the woman expressed her longing just to be in her lover’s presence. She wanted to be near him because she was secure in his love for her! And I’m like, Jesus, please help me to desire YOU more than I desire a husband! In chapter 3 she repeated “the one my heart loves” three times! I want to love Jesus. I want to love His presence! I want to love His character! I want to love who He is! That won’t happen if I don’t know Him! After spending so much time in this book, I am realizing that, more and more, I can’t love Him if I don’t know Him. I can’t search for Him if I don’t know Him! I cannot live for His love and presence if I don’t know Him! So, Father, help me to know you more! I want to live my life, single or married, knowing the one that my heart loves! I think this is the greater point of Song of Solomon.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to have that kind of love, one where I am secure in my husband’s love for me, one where I can experience sexual love with God’s approval, one where I can fight with my husband and be quick to forgive… but none of that will matter if I am not first and foremost secure in His love for me– He loved from the beginning, and eternity is a long time to continue to bask in THAT LOVE!

I have loved spending time reading Song of Solomon. I feel more free to surrender my singleness to Jesus, knowing that I am secure in His hands. While I am waiting for my earthly husband, I will continue to get to know my heavenly One!

Waiting: Spoken (Written) Word

I told myself I’ll wait for you…
But innocence was stolen by “Uncle”,
ripped
from my tender heart.
So I gave up.
Stained.

Fast forward:
thought I had found you-
how foolish of me:
wasn’t it supposed to be reversed…
Thought his “love” was going
to cover the multitude of my sins-
but my sin became a burden too
heavy for him to bear.

So I bore myself to myself
and crashed under the weight
of my own burdened lust
that was laid up in my wicked heart-
my heart, too crushed to be revived
by fleeting moans and momentary pleasures.
Until
I saw His love crushed for me
on that wooden tree.
There, battered, was Christ,
broken for me,
under the burden of my sins.
Yet He rose again, victorious,
giving me a new slate,
burden free, without stain.

Fast forward:
I thought I had found you
again…
A baby in Christ, sipping on that milk,
I gave my old self reign,
even though I am new.
Flesh yielded to flesh,
forgetting that only He
can present me unstained
unto Himself,
but he chose to lie in sin with me,
presenting me unto himself,
unholy,
again
stained…

So I stained my heart
with hate and regret
and the shame became too
much for me
and I longed for grace
that will bring me back to Him
so I tried and I worked and I slaved
but could never really
get it right,
so I fled…
Until
Mercy found me,
crashed into me,
I was ruined,
blinded.
He showed me my end, without you,
without Him.
He removed the scales
from my eyes so I could see
the wrong in what
I thought was right!

So here I am.
With this new light in my eyes,
the clean heart inside of me
I am telling you, husband,
even though I do not know you,
I will wait for you.
I will wait to be found by you.
You are the one God made me
for and from— the man made from
the second Adam,
presented holy, to present me holy to Him.
You have the perfect combination
given only by Him who kept me, hidden,
from me, for you,
to unlock the deepest crevices of my heart.
You know what it means to
love me with the love of Christ,
you know what it is to love me
the way Christ loves his church—
I am the Ephesians 5:25—
to present me to my Father,
without stain or blemish,
only by His grace.

So, I will wait
to be found by you
and I won’t give myself
to every cubic zirconia— false gods
pretending to reflect the true image of the One
who paid the price for me,
His bride.

So, I will wait
for you
to find me—He found me—
And pursue me with the
relentless love,
reckless abandon,
reverent fear of the Lord—
the way only you—He—can.
But understand this:
you are not my Father,
so if God chooses,
in His sovereignty,
to have me love and serve Him
alone
I will wait on Him—
Yet I am never alone,
for He will never leave me, but you can;
for He will never abandon me, but you can.

And at least, death wouldn’t do us part.

Writing in Croatian

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13, NIV).

So, I’ve been learning Croatian for a few weeks now. I am really excited to be learning a language I hope to one day use in the future. I have been confused, frustrated, sad, etc… But one thing that has been keeping me going is that God created the language and I am relying on God for His grace to keep going and keep learning. Why do I want to learn? Because I fell in love in Croatia! I did and I want to be able to communicate with my friends who are Croatian.

The following is my freestyle for today. From the little that I’ve been learning, I have put together some sentences that say a little bit about me. Please excuse the mistakes

Here goes:
Ja sam Elizabetha. Moja prijateljima zovu me kraljica. Ja sam dvadeseti i dva. Ja volim čitati i pisati i naučiti. Ja vjerujem u Boga i volim Boga. Moja obitelj je velika. Imam tri brata i dva sestre. Ja volim ljubičasta. Ja učim Hrvatski jer ja čelim pričati za mojim prijateljima u Hrvatskoj.

Ja sam sretna ali učiti Hrvatski je teško.

Translation: my name is Elizabeth. My friends call me queen. I am 23. I love to read and write and learn. I believe in God and I love God. My family is big. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I love purple. I am learning Croatian because I want to talk with my friends in Croatia.

I am happy but learning Croatian is hard.

Thank you. Please keep me in your prayers!!!
How did I do?

Transformed

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (2nd Corinthians 3:18, NIV).

First of all, God is good! I just can’t keep that to myself, neither can I say it enough. God is so good that when I think about His goodness towards me, I cry. But today is not about crying; it is a day of thanksgiving.

One aspect of God’s goodness that I have been enjoying is His power to transform! Friends, never underestimate the power of God to change your life and give you a whole new perspective, a new outlook, a new mind, etc. An example of the transformative power of the Holy Spirit is the story of Paul! Once called Saul, Paul was a Christian-hating-murdering Jewish man who was bent on destroying the disciples’ work after Jesus’ ascension. Jesus encountered him on his way to Damascus in Acts 9. This same guy was transformed by God to be the guy who planted churches, wrote a majority of the books in the New Testament, called himself a servant of Jesus in multiple letters, etc. I look at Paul and I want God to so transform my life that people will be wondering: who’s that girl? I want to know her God.

But I digress. So what does all of this have to do with me? God has already started his transformative work in my life. I had the chance to share a bit of my story with someone today and I realized my heart for people, especially my family, has changed.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong; but now I LOVE them! I love them with the love of Christ! I love them with the burden on my heart to get them closer to Jesus! I love them enough to care about their salvation and eternity. I love them enough to rebuke them and correct them. I love them so much that all I want is for them to know Jesus on an intimate level and be souled out for Him! I love them so much that I pray for them, intercede on their behalf. I love them enough to want to talk to them and check in on them and give them godly counsel and disciple them. I can keep going but I’ll stop.

This is not to brag. This is just to show what God has done in my heart. To be honest, before I surrendered to Christ, I was selfish. My family, though they mattered, were just people I was stuck with, so I had to tolerate them. Praying for them was a burden to me, caring for their wellbeing was forced out of me. I am not proud of this; I’m quite ashamed, honestly. But I thank God I am not who I was.

So I praise God for transforming me by the renewal of my mind and the changing of my heart.

This is my testimony. This new found love I have for my family doesn’t stop with them– it is extended to friends, neighbors, strangers, siblings in the Lord, etc. And let me tell you something, I am glad! I am glad that God has shown me mercy by allowing me to care as He does– although, He cares way more for them! And He cares way more for you!

Since I Ain’t Got a Boo…

“I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20, NLT).

This is one of my closest friends. Her name is Annuli. She loves God dearly and she is my role model. She is also my #wcw. She sent me this beautiful picture. Isn’t she so pretty?! She sent me kisses and I was thinking about beautiful she is (honestly, she is beautiful inside and out!!!!). For a moment I wondered why she isn’t with anyone. I was like, “God, seriously?!” Then the question came to my mind, “God, why don’t I have a boo?”

I am a single young woman who loves God and the things of God. I am ready to do whatever it is God wants me to. I stand on His promises– the road may be hard but I stand upon Jesus, my solid rock. One of the things I am looking up to God for is my own man, a great man after God’s own heart, a man who will love me, cherish me, provide for our family, protect us… trust me, there is a list. But… I am still single… Oftentimes I think to myself, “Who should I even dress up for? Who do I go out with? Who am I trying to impress? Whose attention am I trying to get?”