Waiting: Spoken (Written) Word

I told myself I’ll wait for you…
But innocence was stolen by “Uncle”,
ripped
from my tender heart.
So I gave up.
Stained.

Fast forward:
thought I had found you-
how foolish of me:
wasn’t it supposed to be reversed…
Thought his “love” was going
to cover the multitude of my sins-
but my sin became a burden too
heavy for him to bear.

So I bore myself to myself
and crashed under the weight
of my own burdened lust
that was laid up in my wicked heart-
my heart, too crushed to be revived
by fleeting moans and momentary pleasures.
Until
I saw His love crushed for me
on that wooden tree.
There, battered, was Christ,
broken for me,
under the burden of my sins.
Yet He rose again, victorious,
giving me a new slate,
burden free, without stain.

Fast forward:
I thought I had found you
again…
A baby in Christ, sipping on that milk,
I gave my old self reign,
even though I am new.
Flesh yielded to flesh,
forgetting that only He
can present me unstained
unto Himself,
but he chose to lie in sin with me,
presenting me unto himself,
unholy,
again
stained…

So I stained my heart
with hate and regret
and the shame became too
much for me
and I longed for grace
that will bring me back to Him
so I tried and I worked and I slaved
but could never really
get it right,
so I fled…
Until
Mercy found me,
crashed into me,
I was ruined,
blinded.
He showed me my end, without you,
without Him.
He removed the scales
from my eyes so I could see
the wrong in what
I thought was right!

So here I am.
With this new light in my eyes,
the clean heart inside of me
I am telling you, husband,
even though I do not know you,
I will wait for you.
I will wait to be found by you.
You are the one God made me
for and from— the man made from
the second Adam,
presented holy, to present me holy to Him.
You have the perfect combination
given only by Him who kept me, hidden,
from me, for you,
to unlock the deepest crevices of my heart.
You know what it means to
love me with the love of Christ,
you know what it is to love me
the way Christ loves his church—
I am the Ephesians 5:25—
to present me to my Father,
without stain or blemish,
only by His grace.

So, I will wait
to be found by you
and I won’t give myself
to every cubic zirconia— false gods
pretending to reflect the true image of the One
who paid the price for me,
His bride.

So, I will wait
for you
to find me—He found me—
And pursue me with the
relentless love,
reckless abandon,
reverent fear of the Lord—
the way only you—He—can.
But understand this:
you are not my Father,
so if God chooses,
in His sovereignty,
to have me love and serve Him
alone
I will wait on Him—
Yet I am never alone,
for He will never leave me, but you can;
for He will never abandon me, but you can.

And at least, death wouldn’t do us part.

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A Letter

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4, NIV).

Dear Agents,

To everyone who has ever hurt me: thank you.

I hated you but now I appreciate you.

You tried to bury me and sell me, but you facilitated my move from prison to palace. You tried to cheat me and not give me what I had worked for, but you facilitated my change of heart so much so I fought with God and He changed my name. You tried to keep me captive but you only pushed my Father in Heaven to react on my behalf and bring me to my land of milk and honey. You tried to pursue me and kill me because of the glory of God in me but you just allowed God to mold me into the daughter after His own heart, forever adoring and singing praises to His name. You tried to break my heart and pursue others while I waited for you, devoted to you, but you only allowed God to work in me and show me how to love unconditionally, how to work for something you love, mirroring Him in this world, molding me to become the woman clothed in Proverbs 31.

You tried to drown me but God came to my rescue. You tried to kill me but I am alive in Christ. You tried to bury my spirit but now the Holy Spirit resides in me. You tried to blind me but God removed the scales and gave me new sight and vision. You tried to get rid of me, tried to finish me off with loneliness but God met me and gave me this divine revelation: you are just facilitator to my destiny.

I am still standing, stronger only because of Him, wiser because He gives me wisdom, loving because He has loved me through it all. I just hope one day you will taste and see that the Lord is good and you will appreciate Him even for your suffering.

Thank you! I am knowing Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His suffering; I am becoming more like my Father, which is my goal.

Thank you!

Sincerely,
The seed you tried to bury

Late night musings…

I am trying to sleep. I have a long day ahead of me, but I guess my body is so used to waking up at anytime — I am yet to find a job, so all I do is pretty much wake up and let the day go however it wants to go. But I have to set my alarm clock, you know; hope I wake up on time. Pray for me.

Anyway, I’m just here thinking about what I should write for today. It’s freestyle Friday, as I’d like to call it, meaning I can write whatever I want. I was thinking about writing a poem, but I don’t really want to. So I’ll just jot a few things down and I hope it blesses you somehow.

√ The new Hillsong Worship album is great! It has been on repeat for 9 days now. Each time I get more familiar with the songs and I love them more and more. That should be my relationship with God.
√ I watched a movie called, The Loft. Talk about a twist! At the end, though, I didn’t think all the swearing was necessary. I enjoyed the movie overall, though — I love psychological thrillers!
√ People grieve in different ways, and some ways can be hurtful… I honestly believe only God can heal people the right way.
√ For some days now I’ve been wondering more than usual about someone liking my pictures on Facebook — I just really want that person to talk to me! Perhaps I’m developing a crush?!?! Oh no!!!! I can’t be in my teenage mindset again. I’ll keep my eyes focused on Jesus instead. As long as He likes me, I’m good!
√ I really hope and pray that these writings bless people somehow. I have dreams and visions for this blog! I hope God uses all for His glory.
√ I’ll keep my blogs shorter.
√ I wonder how many people will read this…
√ I want to write!
√ Too sleepy right now.
√ Goodnight and God bless!

Jesus Christ, M.S, Psy.D, D.D, G.C

“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me” (Psalm 16:7, NIV).

Jesus the counselor

This is me Jesus’ feet, crying, begging, pleading, praying, screaming, bawling. I hate it. I have always thought that being at the feet of Jesus is supposed to be in the form of worship like the woman who anointed Jesus’ feet (John 12:1-11). I look at the picture and I see Jesus consoling a woman who needs a comforter, a counselor. Counseling is my profession– I speak things that are not (yet) as though they are (Romans 4:17)– and by God’s grace I am a good one, AMEN; but, even counselors need counselors because we don’t know everything. The Bible promises us in Isaiah 9:6 that Jesus is the ‘Wonderful Counselor”, which is good for me because this counselor needed one yesterday.

A moment of honesty: I HATE MY LIFE right nowNothing seems– seems– to be going well for me; I have been feeling as if I am an afterthought to God; I have been wondering to myself when will I get a break? When is my breakthrough coming? When will people rejoice with me? I have been feeling less than. For a while I was telling myself that I can’t be feeling those things because an unhappy Christian is an oxymoron– but we are people, too. So I have plastered smiles on my face as if I didn’t feel dead inside– amnesia or death seemed reasonable to me. In my distress I understood what David meant when he said, “I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears” (Psalm 6:6, NIV). I am tired of hurting.

Counselors listen to their clients, evaluate their situations, and offer advice. Jesus does this and more (Ephesians 3:20). He acts in light of eternity. Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), the Alpha and Omega (Revelation 1:8), doesn’t just advice, He resolves; He knows my end because He had chosen me from the beginning (Jeremiah 1:5). Last night was not the first time I cried to Jesus; like counselors, He has been with me every step of the way– and I know that there is no end to our counselor-client relationship, so I am secure. In moving forward, I will remember, by His grace, His promises and, like David said, my heart will instruct and remind me of my God!

Openness and honesty are important in a counseling relationship. I thank God that I was able to be raw with Him. I was so angry at God like clients get angry at those trying to help them. Unfortunately we forget that those in the position of helping us tend to know more/better than what we know, which is exactly why we go to them in the first place. I doubted whether God is indeed for me. I questioned His love for me, even though His Word reminds me continuously of His unfailing love! Still, though, I thank God for mercy!

Jesus Christ is the Greatest Counselor. I woke up this morning aware of God’s goodness. Last night I demanded that God should tell me that everything is going to be ok– all this after He used one of my closest friends to pray with me and give me godly counsel– but God being a merciful Father answered me. I read a devotional this morning that admonished that waiting on God is worth it. In my quiet time I read some Psalms– #irony– and one part that really hit home for me was Psalm 40:1, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry” (NIV). I believe that is God telling me it is already well with me because when God hears, He acts, and when He acts, it is awesome. So, I’ll just continue waiting because I now know–KNOW– that God hears me. The patience part is just frustrating.

I imagine walking into Jesus’ counseling office. I see on His door: Jesus Christ, M.S., Psy.D, D.D, G.C, displaying His credentials, not because He has to but because people feel better seeing acronyms next to someone’s name. Jesus Christ, Master of the Soul, Doctor of (my) Psychology, Doctor of Doctors, Great Counselor– of course Jesus will stop there because He is humble.

What am I telling you? We all need a counselor who never gets tired of seeing us or hearing from us. His name is Jesus. You won’t regret it.

Changed

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” (1st Corinthians 6:19, NIV).

11523-I-Am-Forever-Changed

Testimony time! Yay!!! I love testimonies. Please allow me to share a quick one with you. God is good!

I’m just so grateful for what God has been doing in my life! Honestly, God is good and great and wonderful; His love and care for me still amazes me. When I think about the goodness of God, how far He has brought me, how much He has changed me, all I can say is THANK YOU, JESUS!

In the passage quoted above, Paul warns the Corinthians that their bodies belonged to God. Think about that: your body belongs to God– even when you get married, your body still belongs to God. What that means is that you just can’t do whatever you want with or to your body. God is holy, you belong to Him, therefore, you must be holy. What am I rambling about? I want to thank God for allowing me to realize that my body is His temple. I want to thank God for changing my life, cleaning my body, and inhabiting His temple!

This testimony is only a small part of a bigger testimony, but I want to thank God for saving me from sexual immorality– all forms of it. Before I gave my life to Christ I used my body for whatever I wanted to– because it felt good, because it made me feel like a woman, because I didn’t want to feel pain, because it made me feel desired, because I longed to be loved, because I was thirsty for something deeper, which I didn’t even realize… But my story has changed! Yesterday, I was alone in my house, watching a movie. At the end of the day the thought came to my mind that if it were last year, I would’ve been doing something else with my body; I would’ve taken advantage of the rare opportunity of being by myself– I was messed up, friends! But praise God for my victory!

No longer do I succumb to the temptation. I am reminded of the fact that I have overcome the devil and his temptations by the blood of Jesus Christ and by the word of this testimony I am able to give today (Revelation 12:11)! Praise God with me!

My friends, be encouraged! No matter what you are struggling with, please know that Jesus wants to make you whole, body, soul and spirit; so come to Him. Trust in His word, believe in His name, and watch how your life will be changed. If He can turn a filthy woman like me into His servant– one who is writing openly about her struggles, unashamed, to give glory to His name– then He can certainly change your life! And the whole world will see it and praise His name, the name above all!

Heart Matters

“the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people…” (1st Samuel 13:14, NIV).

I think we can all agree that the heart of anyone is very important because our actions start in the heart– it’s all a process, you know. The heart matters. I think of the song that says Lord, I give you my heart… When we give God our hearts, that means we hand over our totality to Him alone, knowing that He will mold it and remold it and polish it to become like His; and the end goal of our surrender is that we look more like Him, showcasing Him to this broken world. So, what does all this have to do with me?

Well, I love the heart! When discussions of matters of the heart come up I get excited because I just want to glean from people, and grow; I also want to be aware of the state of my heart, checking to see if it aligns with God’s own heart– I desire to be a woman after God’s heart!. And when it comes to relationships, not just romantic ones, even friendships, I pray that the heart of the person I am interacting with is aligned with God.

At the end of the day, though, when thinking about my future, I want my husband to be a man after God’s heart. Think about it: if the man is the head of the house as Christ is the head of the church (Ephesians 5:23), wouldn’t you want him to be led by the Spirit of God? I desire a husband whose heart and will and totality will be conformed to the will of God so much so that God will look at him and say this is my son, in whom I am well pleased.

Why was David the greatest king in Israel? Because he was a man after God’s heart– that’s a very high calling! To be a man (or woman) after God’s heart means recognizing who God is, His unchanging character, His steadfast love. It means living in the fear of the Lord. It means surrendering your life to Him. It means hating what He hates and loving what He loves. It means living by faith and not by sight. It means leading those entrusted to you with the realization of your accountability for them. It means accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior and King. It means living a worship lifestyle. It means seeking first the kingdom of God, knowing that He will give you all you need. It means gazing upon the beauty of God. It means seeking Him for the rest of your life. It means that when you mess up you know you have a Father who will forgive you and receive you back. It means lifting up your eyes to God when trouble comes. It means walking in your destiny, knowing that God is with you and for you. In a nutshell, it means following your Shepherd like the sheep that you are, trusting that His thoughts and plans for you are of good and not of evil, to give you hope and a future with and in Him (Jeremiah 29:11).

It’s a high calling, alright. But like Paul said, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13, NIV). So, I want my husband to be a man after God’s heart. My prayer for him is that he surrenders his heart to God and just allows God to lead him. I want my husband, my king, to be led by my Father because then we will never go wrong– after all, “those who are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God” (Romans 8:14, NIV). I want a marriage that will reflect God Himself; what better way to do that than to look upon the One we are trying to conform to.

So, husband, I give God your heart. I pray that you will surrender to Him alone. I pray that God will be Lord over you and me and our marriage and our children. In Jesus name, amen!

Funny… I was going to write about waiting. Guess my heart has just been poured out. Look at God!!

Even When it Hurts

heart

“Take this mountain weight. Take these ocean tears. Hold me through the trial, come like hope again” (“Even When It Hurts”, Hillsong).

I woke up this morning with heaviness in my heart. I didn’t understand it because nothing prompted it. So, I did what I know how to do; I prayed. What was supposed to be a regular praying time with my Father turned into a bawling session with my Counselor. I admitted to God that I didn’t even know why I was crying. God being God reminded me of Romans 8:26, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express” (NIV). So, I just gave in, trusting that the Holy Spirit was at work. I was comforted that God knew what each tear represented. Did that make me feel better? No.

Once I start crying out loud, it is impossible for me to stop; I will continue until I am physically unable to cry anymore. As I cried, I kept thinking about the fact that I am hurting. This year has been one challenge after another, and I kept asking God this morning, “When will it end, God?!” I just want it all to end. I want to feel remembered by God. I admit to God that I felt like an afterthought on His list of people to help. I found myself saying, like David in Psalm 22, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (verse 1, NIV). Truth is, even while writing this, I still feel hurt. But the question I posed to myself is this: Does that somehow change who God is?

God is constant. When He promises, He fulfills; His words are yea and amen; His thoughts and plans for me are not to hurt me but to give me hope and a future; I am worth the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ to Him… I can keep going, but it still doesn’t change the hurt I feel. Someone once told me that unfortunately for me, no one can help me or encourage me when I’m feeling down because I know the truth about who God is. I don’t want to be sad or depressed while knowing who God is and what He is about, but I am… Is that sinful? Is that bad? I don’t know.

While having my quiet time I only read Psalm 23, one of my favorite psalms. Verse 4 stood out to me, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (NIV). What this verse says to me is that just because I have a Shepherd doesn’t mean I won’t face trouble. The good news is that He is with me. My Shepherd has a rod– it is used to protect me from any evil that may want to come my way; it is also used to discipline me because my Shepherd loves me (Proverbs 3:12)– and a staff– this is used to comfort me and to direct my path. I should be comforted by these truths! I must be comforted by these truths!

I kept crying this morning, asking Jesus why He has forgotten about me– it seems to me as if everything coming my way is somehow delayed– but I had forgotten His promise to me that He will never leave me or abandon me ( Deuteronomy 31:6). What I need to do is get these truths to be heart knowledge. Walking is Jesus is HARD, friends! But if David can say even when– “when” means it will happen– he walks through the valley of the shadow of death, he won’t be scared; if David can say this and believe it, then I can too! I think it was Charles Spurgeon who commented on this thought and said that a shadow means there is a light somewhere, meaning that God’s light (Jesus Christ) is ever present, even in the midst of my storms and challenges.

What is the application for me? Well, I need to feed more on the word of God until my very being believes it, until the Word of God becomes my bread and livelihood! I want to be able to praise God even when everything is crumbling down around me! I want to look at the storms in the eye and tell them that they are just fronting because my Shepherd has overcome the world. This is not to say that I won’t feel hurt, but it means that I won’t dwell on that hurt and be depressed all the time. God remains God regardless of what I go through or what I do, and I don’t want anything to cloud my view of Him.

Throughout this day I have been reciting verse 4 to myself, becoming more real to me each time. God is with me and He is for me. So, even when it hurts, even when the storms are throwing me all about, yet will I stand and praise my God whose steadfast love never ceases.

Funny thing, though, is that God laid a song in my heart which says, “You turned my mourning into dancing again. You lifted my sorrows, I can’t stay silent; I must sing for my joy has come!” I wonder if this was the same song David that was in David’s heart when he wrote this psalm.pic

Help Wanted

image

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me” (Psalm 54:4, NIV).

Being an unemployed young lady, seeing a “Help Wanted” sign makes me happy because I know that I have a chance of getting hired. But honestly, what really gets me excited is the fact that I get to help those who need it! In case you haven’t guessed it, I love to help people. I don’t really know why, but I thank God that He has put the desire in me to even want to help those around it. He is teaching me to help them the way they need it, not the way I think they should be helped.

Anyway, I’ve been privileged to be in the position of helping those around me who needed help, either through prayer or helping them move things around or simply being there for them. It’s been an absolute pleasure as well! Lately I’ve been thinking to myself that I could be a professional helper, living day by day, having clients I can help. That actually makes me happy! God’s will be done hahaha!!

Today, however, I realized that I can only help for so long. What am I talking about? I am tired! I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tired before. I kept thinking to myself today: how can I be of help to anyone when I’m even too tired to move from point A to point B? As I was thinking about this, I realized that God never gets tired! Can you imagine that?! Imagine the billions of people in the world; now imagine the millions who pray daily to Him for help. Still, He reaches out to people, wanting to help them. So, when David said that God is his sustainer, I know what he means.

The people I have been privileged to help only had me for a few hours– this is not to boast, but to show my own limitations as a human being. But God is ALWAYS there! He is always ready to be of help to us, to take our burdens, to give us rest; plus, He is everlasting, the ever present help when we need it. So, friends, when in need of help, go to God! He will be there for you, every step of the way! Man can only help for so long until he gets tired or weak or disinterested. But God made you, and yes, He wants to be there for you! Turn to Him!